"I am beautiful no matter what they say"
Christine Aguilera

Today's prompt asks for an honest look at myself. Am I happy with who I am? At 55 years old - I still struggle.

I do know I'm not what you'd call physically beautiful. But I honestly believe that some people have a beauty inside that permeates their outer physicality so much so that you can't see anything but the beauty (even in a photo). That's my only hope of attaining any kind of beauty at this point!

But that kind of beautiful person is not the one that emerges from ME much of the time. I'm too self-protected and when you protect yourself from letting stuff IN, "stuff" also doesn't get OUT. Which is too bad. Because I do know I have a lot of beautiful stuff inside. But it doesn't get out. And so I often feel misunderstood.

I'm a child of God. I know this for sure. And I understand my worth in God's eyes. I understand it in my head and in most of my heart. But I really don't think it has permeated my heart yet. It's like I'm not FLUENT in that God-love yet. I still have to think about it. Remember to believe it. I think if I was fluent in God's love for me, then I would not feel a need for this, this wall I've put up with some humans. (Obviously, the ones that get closest to me and threaten to break down the wall.) I would not feel threatened. I would not seek this approval. I would not need this validation. I would not fear intimacy (relational intimacy) if I truly was on board 100% with God's love for me..

So, do I like myself? I DO a lot of things that I like. I perform fairly well in life. But inside, I'm just a little girl that wants a little too desperately to be loved by humans and not just God. Most people probably wouldn't know this about me. (The ones that do and still love me? I call them friends!) Like I said. I'm a pretty good performer. My initial impulse is to say that I don't like myself because of this needy little weakness, because of the walls.

But maybe I need to be a little easier on myself...do a little nurturing of that little girl. After all, she just wants to be loved...maybe it needs to start with me. If God created me and loves me, shouldn't I begin by agreeing with Him? Truly, my agreement with Him about myself is the basis of my relationship with Him in the first place.

Hard stuff to think about. Confusing. Complicated. I guess I'll take it down off the shelf, dust it off and think about it some more sometime - but for now that's enough. :)